Since last fall she has been exploring questions of identity and gender. The therapist in New Haven is helping her explore that and helping enormously with the ADHD and anxiety medicine balance. Since the start, Van has asked me to respect what and when she wants to share with others, including you, and it has seemed critical to her level of anxiety that I do respect that. Throughout (last fall to the present) I have continually encouraged her to share her thoughts with you, I have brought it up with the therapist and Van at the end of just about each meeting. Coming back from True Colors on Saturday I brought it up again. She said she wasn't ready. But I did push to ask if she would allow me to talk with you, to start the conversation. She said yes, which is why I am answering you directly, now, not vaguely. I apologize that I could not have been more direct from the start, as I wanted to be.
Van identifies as transgender, as a male born in a female body. The therapist in New Haven helps gender minorities (anything other than male biological&identified and female biological&identified) address their gender dysphoria (the psychological and emotional clash they feel because of the chasm between how they feel inside and how they are expected to act in society) and explore ways to align their internal identity with how they want to be perceived by others. Have you noticed that with the short hair and button down shirts, the facial piercings, crazy colored hair dyes, extreme makeup and clothes have disappeared? Van is feeling more comfortable expressing who she feels she is on the inside.
Her avoidance of you, and limited conversation, comes from being convinced that you won't accept her. Your comments about missing the daughter you thought you were going to have, about not accepting her piercings, or her hair styles and colors - these are all her weight of evidence that you won't accept who she feels she really is. It’s hard enough for her to accept who she really is, she hasn't felt strong enough to try and convince others.
To me, she's always been the same kid inside. And since I see no drugs or alcohol, no dangerous friends or habits, no self harming, a deep respect for the medications she is taking and a lot of responsibility for trying to get what she needs for herself - I go with her instincts for what she needs.
She asked for the therapist in New Haven. She has gotten tons of information on transgendered people and has begun to meet kids like herself. And her anxiety is less, her schoolwork is better, her extreme appearance is not so extreme, non-traditional maybe, but not extreme. Having even just a slice of acceptance outside of herself for who she feels she is seems to be helping greatly.
You and I should talk before you say much to Van directly on this since she is so sensitive about being questioned, challenged or judged or letting this news out in any way. Anytime this week that you want, except Thursday night, I'll make time for us to talk. I have some literature on transgender teens that was given to me by Pam that I can pass on to you and I can tell you what I've learned, what I think and how I feel about it. It takes some getting used to but it also makes a lot of sense to me.
Lets talk soon,
Shirley
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